Ten Ways To Keep Your Political Puppet Happy

Posted on February 24, 2007
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As we head into the next presidential election season, we’re profoundly aware that our current “I’m the President” is term-limited. While Mr. Bush can never be replaced, we do need to find someone to fill the office. Those who fear change need not panic, however, if we can make use of what we’ve learned in the past six years.

[While we do have a viable woman candidate, the masculine pronoun is used, and the particular woman running would require a somewhat adjusted strategy.]

Fill the White House with sycophants and handlers.
A person elected, not on his merits and qualities, but because he can be controlled, needs lots of folks to reinforce for him the concept that HE IS THE PRESIDENT. Get people he considers smart, like Condi Rice, Harriet Miers, Karl Rove, and Barney to tell him how smart he is. Of course such a man will need a lot of help staying out of trouble. Have no fear: Cheney, Rumsfeld, Condi, and Barney will also be out of work and potentially available.
Give him something to do, part I.
First tell him he’s a compassionate conservative. Say it: “I’m a compassionate conservative.” Then pull out all the iniatives your opponents value and get him to champion them with your own cynical twist. Make sure that the “replacement iniatives” sound like they solve the original problem, but set them up so that they line the pockets of wealthy donors. If occasionally they creat social good as an unintended consequence, get the press office right on it. See: “No child left behind,” medicare drug benefit, and privatizing social security.
Give him something to do, part II.
When you just need your guy out of the way, give him a shiny mountain bike or a tractor to clear brush. If he insists on being involved in government, tell him there’s a “democrat” plot to kill a woman in Jeb’s state who, though in a vegetative state, can still smile.
Don’t explain big words to him.
If you see his brow furrow a bit whenever he hears the word “neocon,” and if he repeats the word, using it incorrectly, pretend not to notice. If he begins to doubt himself, enlist sycophants [above] to praise him on his command of the issues and language.
Stage showy, ego-boosting events.
Have plenty of mirrors available when you dress him in his flight suit with codpiece. Don’t tell him about the “Mission Accomplished” banner until you’ve landed him on deck. You want his strut to appear authentic for the cameras, and it preserves deniability if the event is later ridiculed.
Teach him to say, “I’m the decider!”
This is especially effective when popular opinion turns against him and his handlers’ policies. After a few refrains of “I’m the decider!” the electorate and the press are completely placated. The people, who in a democracy would be “the deciders,” will yawn, shrug and say, “well, I guess that’s been decided.”
Get the hired sycophants to all stand and salute whenever he declares, “I’m the President!”
NOTE: This idea has been discredited, as the puppet may start saying it in public, sounding like he needs broader convincing. It’s especially pathetic when no one salutes.
Tell him who to hate.
It helps if he’s already got someone in mind. Throw in a nasty non-state attack, and start making linkages to — states. Since hating Iraq is a given, get someone like David Frum to link that to terror. Gather extra handlers to help him write something catchy, just because it sounds good, like “Axis of Evil.” If Condi wants more credibility, suggest adding Iran and North Korea. Next step, put it on a tele-prompter for State of the Union. Nothing like firing up your enemies so your guy knows who they are.
Let him think it was his idea.
Start a whisper campaign within the oval office. While he’s semi-distracted fetching for Barney, mention that you think Iran might want to build a nuclear bomb to your co-sycophant / handler. Pretend you’re not speaking to him when you say in his hearing Samuel Alito is the best judge in America. (Use simple, even simplistic, declarative statements for best effect.)
Remove all dissent — and newspapers
Show the door to Colin Powell, Paul O’Neill, Christine Todd Whitman, and any number of generals who desrespect the new sovereign by, gasp!, expressing their own ideas. Use parental blocking on any TV within your guy’s reach to allow only ESPN, HSN, Fox News, and Lifetime. For God’s sake, don’t let him learn about C-SPAN!

Have no fear if the current crop of candidates appear too autonomous for the above strategies. The primary election process has often been quite useful for weeding out independent thinkers.